OCTOBER 9, 1998 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 13

BIG TIPS

I'm embarrassed to tell my doctor what my lover found

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Many years ago, in a fit of cynicism that only a bunch of 20-year-olds could pull off, my friends and I decided we needed good lesbian names. My friend Annie became Annie Fill-in-the-Blank-Womon. Me? Mary Spicerack. There was never any doubt in anyone's mind, though, about who got the very best name.

That was Heidi Catbox. My secret jealousy over the supremacy of her name came to a head recently when I discovered that some pals of mine had given themselves blues names, most notably my friend Novella, whose mighty appellation is Sugarshack. So now I've been scheming for weeks on a good one for myself. The best I have so far is No Stick.

During the process, though, I seemed to have created, a monster. Every possible lifestyle suggested a new name. My gangster name? Jimmy Pan a' Porkchops. My rap name? MC Hemprella. I finally had to nip the brainstorming in the bud after flipping through the Ikea catalog and contemplating a name change to The Mary.

Dear Big Tipper,.

Recently when my lover was making love to me, she felt some bumps on my cervix that she says she never noticed before. I'm going in for a pap smear in a few weeks anyway, and I want to mention this, but I'm embarrassed to tell my doctor how I discovered it. I'm not out to her.

Dear Three-Ring Cervix,

Mystery Bump

When you say you're not out to her, hopefully you mean to your doctor, not your lover. You don't have to indicate the gender of the dallying digits to your health care provider; just say your partner noticed something different.

Usually when you check in, you fill out an intake form indicating your complaints. If you feel uncomfortable broaching vaginal topics out loud, write it down on the form, and your doc should ask you about it. It's good to be able to talk about your body, though. Maybe you could practice what you want to say with your sweetie, or a friend. You could also bring someone along to the appointment for moral support. She wouldn't have to actually be in the little room when you spread 'em.

If you can do it and you feel safe, it's good to be out to your health care providers, because their care is only as good as the questions they know to ask of you. If you feel uncomfortable with your care provider, it may be time to ask your friends who they see, and switch. You can't coast with health care. You need to pay attention to your body, go into JiffyLube every few thousand miles or so, and be brave and advocate for yourself. They're providing you with a service; you're the one paying for advice and treatment. Be brave and get your money's worth. Good luck, sweetie.

Dear Big Tipper.

Two questions: One, when someone stays over for the night, and it's a one-night stand, are there particular items that that person should expect to find at your place? Like a toothbrush, or a bathrobe? How do I deal with different size men and the bathrobe?

Two, if that person, or any other onenight stand, exchanges phone numbers with you afterwards, should I expect that he'd call? Is it rude of him not to call, or am I naive?

VISI

Social Boy

Dear Well-Appointed Date,

You didn't have a fluffy complimentary Turkish dressing gown to offer your guest? And then you expected that he'd call back? Some men have standards, you know.

Actually, I really hope that there's no connection between these two queries. While it's appropriate and gracious to have amenities to offer any visitor, that expectation can reasonably be limited to the offer of fresh towels and face cloth and something warm with which to cover up in the case of post-coital glass of water fetching. That could be a clean pair of

sweats.

If you like the idea of having a bathrobe to offer and you're concerned about size, get a really big one and say that your college roommate, the football player, forgot it there the last time he visited. You could also keep some new toothbrushes and disposable razors in your linen closet, since those would be reasonable things to stock for yourself. Just remember: It's nice to maintain the illusion that this date is a special one, and not one more reason you go to Costco to stock up on Oral Bs by the case.

An extension of this is the "I know I'm going to get lucky tonight, do I bring my toothbrush or not" quandary: If you can pass the presence of your toothbrush off as merely a weapon in your constant battle against your unruly eyebrows (and by the way, a stroke or two of clear mascara is great for that little problem), go ahead. If not, bring a pack of cinnamon gum, or some Breath Savers, and deal with the plaque for one night. Most dates don't want to know that they have a reputation as a sure thing.

Should he have called? Maybe. Hopefully he said he had a nice time before he left, and if he hasn't called by now, he wouldn't be a keeper anyway. He'd forget to bring you flowers on your birthday.

Dear Big Tipper,

Regarding your response to "The Kiss that Kills" (her wife sometimes has bad breath): You gave a great light-hearted suggestions for an embarrassing problem, but perhaps some additional information may help your reader.

Let's see, together for 12 years, I'd guess they're not in their 20s anymore. Time to see the dentist! Flossing is really important. There's a new floss out now made from GoreTex-four out of five lesbians love it!

Finally, bad breath can also indicate an unhappy gastro-intestinal tract, or a liverspleen imbalance. Sweet breath is good health! Now, back to kissing...

Dear Balance =

Smoochably Fresh

Freshness,

You must be very popular with the ladies, and rightly so. Thanks for the additional tips!

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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